Hayes' Best Friend Ice Skates

I went to see a friends' daughter at her ice skating recital. What an amazing performance. Seriously, this 6 year old is amazing. What was even more amazing was that I made it through that performance. I was filled with anxiety about going. This talented girl was born just 2 weeks before Hayes. Her mother and I were pregnant together and had dreams of sharing experiences with our children. 

I was so proud of her. Yet I could not help but think of Hayes the entire time- wishing I were watching him do his thing, whatever that may be. While being proud of this little girl, I was also proud of Hayes for giving me the strength to be there. I cried so hard as she was finishing her performance. I missed him so much. But it felt good. I felt as though I had embraced that fear and that I now can work with it. It may take more time and practice, but I know more about how it feels. I did it. I went to that performance. 

When you are ready, you will know. No need to rush. Your friends will understand. And sometimes, you have to be brave and just do it. You can always make sure that you have an escape if you need it. It is ok to cry, to escape and it is ok if you don't. Just be in the moment.  

Missing My Baby

I miss Hayes so much. There. I said it. And you can too. The holidays is a very tough time because we feel so much more pain. We miss our loved ones.

It takes alot of effort to feel. But it is important to do this. It does not mean that you have to sit in a corner and mope. Well, you can if you want. But, going for a walk and talking to yourself is fine. Or writing about how you feel in a diary is fine. Invite a family member to take a walk with you and share your feelings. It is ok. And it will feel good.

One thing that I have learned recently is to ask for help. It may be hard to do this because we don't want to bother others. But often they don't know that you want to talk. Let them know. They will listen.

Hayes died of SIDS a little over 6 years ago. I can only imagine how much fun it would be to see him here with our family. I will continue to grieve in the best way I know how. I have learned to live with it as time goes on, but that does not mean that the pain goes away. It really is just that-- I have learned to live with it. Living with it means addressing it, not ignoring it. Ignoring it is not living with it. Remember that it is ok to grieve.